I really like people. A lot. I've always been a social person who would rather do everything with someone than anything alone ... a little overly-co-dependent? Ya, I would agree too. It wasn't until recently that I've been able to really and truly venture out and do things on my own and on my own free will, at that! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a sickness or phobia or fear or anything; I simply just love people. I love being around someone familiar. I don't even have to be talking to them, but it's the very thought of knowing they're there and near that comforts ... yet it has become a crutch.
I have been working on getting over this mindset and this handicap and have come to a place now where I actually find myself craving time alone (growth, I know ... go ahead, you can be proud of me). At first I thought I was stressed out and needed "by myself time", but later I realized that this was something the Lord was doing in me; like He was preparing me for something to come.
Last night I had "the craving" and it was like God was 5 steps ahead of me ... my house was silent, everyone was asleep, I was wide awake and doing some research, I was in an excited and eager mood because I had just finished posting my very first blog post of my entire life, and I was looking back on the good that God did in my life in 2009. Life for me, at that moment, was bliss and simple and I had no one to share it with but the Lord. It was in this beautiful moment that I found myself face to face with a piece of God's love and plan for me. You see, up until now, the Lord has been stripping away all the extra baggage that I have held on to for quite some time ... and because I am a notorious over-packer, it's taken Him some work. There have been things, that because I have squeezed so tightly, I've made His simple, complicated and His beautiful, a mess. God's invested lots of work in me and for the first time last night, I was face to face with a glimpse of His good for me.
I have had spiritual "light bulb" moments before ... ya know, when all of what He is trying to teach you comes together like perfect choreography and it just makes sense ... yet for some reason, last night's light bulb moment was different. It was definitive. It was maybe even a sneak peak of what's in store. And what it sparked in me was somewhat shocking. In that moment of seeing some of the pieces come together of the past year, I made a two fold promise to God (not so shocking, but wait for it). I promised that starting now, I would fore go, give over, willingly hand in, and completely relinquish all of my hopes and dreams to Him and I am okay with doing and going and being right in the middle of whatever He has for me, alone (insert shock here).
What does this mean and why are we shocked? For starters, if you know me even a little, you know I am a planner by nature. I make to do lists in my sleep, I have already figured out how many kids I would like to have and what they will all be named (first and middle names), I've decided how I would like my future home to be decorated (color schemes, types of furniture, and the like), what I will name my future puppies, and which friends I would like to have in my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend so clearly the wedding is WAY down the road). For me, happiness+my future=planning, planning=control, control=safety, and safety=happiness, so I mean, duh, do the math! :) Another part of who I am is my love and need for people. I love people ... especially my family (the one I was born into and the one I have made for myself in dear friends ...I call them my fakie family). I cannot imagine life, my life, without people!
So what does my revolutionary-light-bulb-promise really mean? It means everything. It means that from here on, I promise to whole heartedly, one hundred percent, no take-backs, vow to allow the hopes, desires, dreams, and plans that I have set in my heart to be laid out on the Lord's table; vulnerable, exposed, and risking never happening because in doing this, I know I am gaining HIS plans, HIS hopes, HIS dreams, HIS purposes for my life. It means that from here on, I am willing to make my dependence and source of completion Him. Not to say that family, fakie family, and friends are not important or needed or valuable in one's life ... they most definitely are; yet like I said earlier, they have become my crutch, my fun and shiny distraction from a heart of seeking FIRST Him and His kingdom and His will for me.
You see, God wasn't messin' when He made a promise to each of us in Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New Living Translation)
..."For I know the plans I have for you ...they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope ...when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me ...I will end your captivity and restore ...I will bring you home again." Or how about the promise He made to us in Matthew 6:33 (New Living Translation)
"seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need." The thing is, God's promises are perfect and if we give Him a chance to do so, He will gladly see them through!
So I made a promise. One I fully intend to keep, yet one that I know has the ability to intimidate me if I try and do it all on my own strength. The light bulb has been turned on for me in an area of my life that has been needing some major improvements and I am joyfully walking forward in His light.
My baggage just got lighter. I never thought I would ever admit this, but minimalistic downsizing suits me ... and I think I like it.
Are you willing to make any light bulb-revealing promises to the Lord as you start the new year off? Allow Him to show you the areas you need some light shed on and be brave enough to ditch the baggage ...trust me, it's quite liberating :)
...Vanessa
