beautiful pain

Savior I come
Quiet my soul remember
Redemptions hill
Where Your blood was spilled
For my ransom
Everything I once held dear
I count it all as lost

Lead me to the cross
Where Your love poured out
Bring me to my knees
Lord I lay me down
Rid me of myself
I belong to You
Lead me, lead me to the cross

You were as I
Tempted and trialed
Human
The word became flesh
Bore my sin and death
Now you're risen

To your heart
To your heart
Lead me to your heart
Lead me to your heart

This past weekend I went away. Away from the chaos of my day to day. Away from the busyness of my business. Away from all distraction...and there, I met with God. It was relaxing. It was clean. It was crisp. And it was the perfect way to start off my 2010.

I am involved in the College and Career/Young Adults ministry at CCD called "Impact Generation." As a leader/counselor, I get the opportunity to pour into young people's hearts and come along side of them during this crazy yet super valuable time of their lives ... and I LOVE it!

There is so much irony, humor, perfect timing, and divine purpose in what God has been doing in my life this past year and this ministry is definitely a huge part of that story! God brought this ministry along and placed it perfectly in my lap and decided that He needed me to give of my time, my energy, my efforts, my experiences, and my heart and in turn He would richly fill and fulfill all of my expectations and then some!

We went on our winter retreat this past weekend. While we were there I had the huge honor of speaking at the girl's session. Our theme was "Resistance," based off of resisting the enemies we face as Christians ... the devil, our flesh, and the world. It was an intense and wonderfully breaking time and God definitely did work in so many people's lives!! It was incredible to physically see His hand at work ... humbling, even.

For my session, I spoke to the girls on the things we struggle with resisting amidst our flesh. This, as you can imagine, was not an easy topic to share on! I am far from an expert on this ... in fact I struggle on a regular basis with this, and yet God (again, exercising His comedic abilities) used me, a blemished-tattered-messed-up-mess-of-a-person, to be the one who would be transparent and vulnerable in front of a room full of young women, as He shared with them His heart in regards to their flesh. Talk about humble, party of one!

There was so much that God placed on my heart on this topic and issue and so much I knew He wanted to convey to them (...so much so that we went kinda over :)), yet the main thing that kept coming up while I studied for this was, crucify it! Sounds gruesome, so let me explain ...

When you get the visual of the crucifixion or of the cross, you tend to imagine something painful, something torturesome, something you never want to experience! Yet as we look deeper at the cross, we see it is a sign of something permanent and something irrevocable... and in the case for Jesus, it was also a sign of deep rooted love and mercy for His beloved children.

You see the Lord doesn't ask us to be perfect and to conquer our temptations and struggles the minute we accept Him in our hearts and lives, but rather, He asks that we daily commit to realizing our weaknesses and placing, no, rather, nailing them on the cross with Him ... knowing that once we have done so, He takes it from there. The picture of the cross changes when you see it the way the Lord sees it ... as an attempt to be connected and unified with Him forever.

If you have the time ... or even if you don't, please make the time to read Galatians 5:16-26 and really connect with the love-filled warning and challenge the Lord makes to you... specifically verse 24 which says, "Those who belong to Christ Jesus have nailed the passions and desires of their sinful nature to his cross and crucified them there."

There is SO much more that I want to share about the retreat and the things that God showed me while I was there, but it will have to wait for another post :) For now, focus on the areas of your daily life that you need to daily take up and nail to his cross. It's definitely not an easy thing to do, but know that the trade off is beautiful, fulfilling, better than you could've ever dreamed up for yourself, and well worth it all ...I like to call it "beautiful pain" :)

Till next time, friends ...pass me the hammer and nails, please.

...vanessa

everything is possible with God

Jesus looked at them intently and said, "Humanly speaking, it is impossible. But not with God. Everything is possible with God..." Mark 10:27

Do you ever sit amongst your to-do lists and pray for extra hours in your day? I do. And right after my "Amen," I can clearly imagine the Lord's smiling face as He tells the surrounding angels in Heaven, "Aw, isn't it just so cute how Vanessa thinks she is overwhelmed and stressed, thus she also feels like she can suggest to me how to do things!?"

I'll be the first to admit it. My faith isn't always in tact when it comes to Mark 10:27, yet there is something about just reading the very words that brings a hush over my noisily nagging stress. EVERYTHING is possible with GOD ...so then why don't we live like it?!

Has God not been faithful thus far? Has He dropped the ball lately? Has He been kinda slacking off? Ha. NO! In fact, I feel like for me, God has been doing exactly what Ephesians 3:20 describes as "...exceedingly abundantly above all the we can ask or think..."

Understanding the goodness and providence of God and in that same thought, recognizing my sheer and utterly pathetic lameness as I doubt His abundant love, tends to put things in perspective for me. (I guess I'm a hands on learner?)

So here's what I'm challenging myself with today (and really everyday until June 11 ...that's the next time I will get a day off)...in the very moment I feel my breath shortening and pulse racing due to my realization that I have more work to do than hours allotted in a human day, I will stop and remind myself that I must Live in His Love. He cares for me. He provides for me. He's gone before my current place and has perfected and prepared my very steps ...therefore, I have no reason to fret, no reason to stress, no reason to throw in the towel, because with God, everything is possible.

...vanessa

passionately pursuing your purpose

...being confident of this very thing, that he who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ... (Philippians 1:6)

Eager. Hopeful. Excited. Anticipating. Restless. Humbled. Joy. Impatient. Awestruck. Happiness. Ready.

These would be the words that describe me right at this moment. The past few days I have been feeling like the Lord keeps confirming in either His word or through conversations I have with people that He is preparing me for something ...and I love it. I love that God is able to use a wretched, blemished, selfish, control freak, like myself, for His purposes. I'm humbled at the very thought of it. I love that God has been preparing me, pruning me, challenging me, and equipping me for more.

I know the talents, desires, passions, gifts & natural abilities that He instills in each of us are no accident. In fact, the very dreams we conjure up in the deepest parts of our heart were strategically placed there by God at the start of our existence. We have desires in our youth to one day grow up & make something of ourselves because God, in His providence & perfect designing skills, saw not just our potential but saw just how beautiful our finishing product could truly be.

When we strive to fulfill the callings placed on our lives, we live out Gods divine purpose and plan for us. Passionately pursuing our purpose then becomes not just an ambitious approach to a future lived for the Lord, but rather an act of obedience to a God who has taken time to perfectly plan each of your steps.

While the road to that calling might be difficult or long, we have to remember that if we are faithful in the little things we have on our plate now, He's so faithful to build upon it & give us more & more! There's a contagious joy that comes from being in the middle of what God has for you...it's beautiful. When we strive to stay in His will, the joy that comes with it is undeniable. Seek to passionately live out the calling God has placed on your life & watch your joy-levels radically increase :)

Dream Big. Seek Him. And passionately pursue your purpose!

...vanessa

heart + perspective + mindset = missions

January is missions month at CCD, so today in our chapel we kicked it off for the kids. Al Harb spoke today about the reasons why we should be missions minded and it really struck me as to how simple and valuable having this mindset is. I've been thinking a lot about this topic recently for a number of reasons. For starters, my family and I are leading the middle school trip to Peru this April, I am planning on going on a trip with the high school ministry this summer (possibly to Germany), I recently went on a trip to Morocco and just fell in love with missions all over again, and this Friday I am speaking in our middle school chapel on the subject (pray for me!).

Growing up, I always equated missions with raising tons of money, jumping on a plane, and traveling across the world. While that proves to be true for some missions trips, I have come to learn that at the root of it, missions is a heart, a perspective, and a mindset and to be missions-minded, one must adopt the heart, perspective, and mindset of the Lord.

This transformation radically changes everything! The minute one allows the Lord to mold and shape their view of missions; missions no longer becomes a long distance endeavor, but rather it becomes a case-by-case, person-by-person, encounter-by-encounter, act of love. Missions changes when your view of people changes. Missions no longer becomes something you can only do on a short term basis, once a year, but rather it is a daily challenge.

To have a heart like the Lord's means that your very heart breaks at the idea of someone living without Him. It means that you deeply invest in prayer and time with people because you know that this is what God desires to do with us as well. God is personal and relational and seeks to know our hearts, therefore, you seek to do the same for others. It this very heart that drives and motivates the true missionary.

To have a perspective like the Lord's means that your way of seeing others no longer stems from your own ideas or preconceived notions of others, but rather, you see them through the eyes of the Lord. Instead of first seeing the wrong in someone, you see their need for a Savior, instead of first seeing their shortcomings, you recognize the opportunity to love them through forgiveness and grace ... the way God would. I've found this one to be the hardest because it is completely the opposite of who we naturally are as humans. We are not programmed to forgive first, think of others first, love others who don't love us first ...yet this is exactly the way the Lord wants to change us to become! To be others-minded is to truly experience the heart of God.

To have a mindset like the Lord's means that every opportunity, encounter, passing moment with another person becomes your mission field. You are constantly and acutely aware of the need the world has for the love of the Lord and rather than being so consumed with the day to day things that fill your life, you are consumed with utilizing your day to day business for Him. Being sensitive to the way He leads you, being aware of an opportunity to be used, and most importantly, being obedient in fulfilling the things He calls you to do.

So you see, missions is something we can start practicing right now. While venturing out to the world to share God's love is necessary and good, we can allow the Lord to show us His heart for His world, right where we are, right now.

Adopt His heart, practice His perspective, transform to His mindset, and get ready for your world to change.

...vanessa

just a reminder ...

Today was a good day. Nothing life changing or dramatical happened. It was normal by anyone's standard, yet today God gave me little blessings purposed as little reminders of His love, providence, and concern for me in all things in my life ...especially the little ones.

I'm a person who loves the little details in something. It's the small, seemingly unimportant and minute details in something that really make it for me. I especially love when I am the only one to recognize this in someone else's work ...it's as if I know something I probably shouldn't or like I know their secret. It's an appreciation i find thrill in. And looking back on today, God and I shared some secret thrills :)

One thing I was reminded of today was just how blessed I truly am to have such incredible and phenomenal people in my life. All day long He kept showing me that in every area of my life there are people He has placed there and brought about to either teach me, support me, encourage me, love me, befriend me, challenge me, or partner with me in something.

It's kinda interesting and even a bit fun to notice and recognize the detailed purposes behind the relationships that I have had and to think of those purposes for the current ones! While trying to figure it all out myself would definitely drive me bananas, one thing I can be ever so thankful for is that God, like yours truly, is all about the details! He has fashioned and formed every single relationship and encounter that I have with people down to a science and He is purposeful and intent on making each one matter.

My job in this area of my life, I have realized, is not to be the boss and take control of what I feel the purpose for each individual person in my life should be; but rather, sit back and live fully and honestly in each moment. I don't want to miss on what God had originally intended for me because I got caught up in trying to make it work out for myself.

Today was a good day. Today I was reminded that God's purpose and intention is wrapped up with intricate little details that are only truly appreciated in the moments fully lived.

Enjoy His reminders for you today ...

...Vanessa

my light bulb moment promise

I really like people. A lot. I've always been a social person who would rather do everything with someone than anything alone ... a little overly-co-dependent? Ya, I would agree too. It wasn't until recently that I've been able to really and truly venture out and do things on my own and on my own free will, at that! Now, don't get me wrong, I don't have a sickness or phobia or fear or anything; I simply just love people. I love being around someone familiar. I don't even have to be talking to them, but it's the very thought of knowing they're there and near that comforts ... yet it has become a crutch.

I have been working on getting over this mindset and this handicap and have come to a place now where I actually find myself craving time alone (growth, I know ... go ahead, you can be proud of me). At first I thought I was stressed out and needed "by myself time", but later I realized that this was something the Lord was doing in me; like He was preparing me for something to come.

Last night I had "the craving" and it was like God was 5 steps ahead of me ... my house was silent, everyone was asleep, I was wide awake and doing some research, I was in an excited and eager mood because I had just finished posting my very first blog post of my entire life, and I was looking back on the good that God did in my life in 2009. Life for me, at that moment, was bliss and simple and I had no one to share it with but the Lord. It was in this beautiful moment that I found myself face to face with a piece of God's love and plan for me. You see, up until now, the Lord has been stripping away all the extra baggage that I have held on to for quite some time ... and because I am a notorious over-packer, it's taken Him some work. There have been things, that because I have squeezed so tightly, I've made His simple, complicated and His beautiful, a mess. God's invested lots of work in me and for the first time last night, I was face to face with a glimpse of His good for me.

I have had spiritual "light bulb" moments before ... ya know, when all of what He is trying to teach you comes together like perfect choreography and it just makes sense ... yet for some reason, last night's light bulb moment was different. It was definitive. It was maybe even a sneak peak of what's in store. And what it sparked in me was somewhat shocking. In that moment of seeing some of the pieces come together of the past year, I made a two fold promise to God (not so shocking, but wait for it). I promised that starting now, I would fore go, give over, willingly hand in, and completely relinquish all of my hopes and dreams to Him and I am okay with doing and going and being right in the middle of whatever He has for me, alone (insert shock here).

What does this mean and why are we shocked? For starters, if you know me even a little, you know I am a planner by nature. I make to do lists in my sleep, I have already figured out how many kids I would like to have and what they will all be named (first and middle names), I've decided how I would like my future home to be decorated (color schemes, types of furniture, and the like), what I will name my future puppies, and which friends I would like to have in my wedding (I don't even have a boyfriend so clearly the wedding is WAY down the road). For me, happiness+my future=planning, planning=control, control=safety, and safety=happiness, so I mean, duh, do the math! :) Another part of who I am is my love and need for people. I love people ... especially my family (the one I was born into and the one I have made for myself in dear friends ...I call them my fakie family). I cannot imagine life, my life, without people!

So what does my revolutionary-light-bulb-promise really mean? It means everything. It means that from here on, I promise to whole heartedly, one hundred percent, no take-backs, vow to allow the hopes, desires, dreams, and plans that I have set in my heart to be laid out on the Lord's table; vulnerable, exposed, and risking never happening because in doing this, I know I am gaining HIS plans, HIS hopes, HIS dreams, HIS purposes for my life. It means that from here on, I am willing to make my dependence and source of completion Him. Not to say that family, fakie family, and friends are not important or needed or valuable in one's life ... they most definitely are; yet like I said earlier, they have become my crutch, my fun and shiny distraction from a heart of seeking FIRST Him and His kingdom and His will for me.

You see, God wasn't messin' when He made a promise to each of us in Jeremiah 29:11-14 (New Living Translation) ..."For I know the plans I have for you ...they are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope ...when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me ...I will end your captivity and restore ...I will bring you home again." Or how about the promise He made to us in Matthew 6:33 (New Living Translation) "seek the Kingdom of God above all else and live righteously, and He will give you everything you need."

The thing is, God's promises are perfect and if we give Him a chance to do so, He will gladly see them through!

So I made a promise. One I fully intend to keep, yet one that I know has the ability to intimidate me if I try and do it all on my own strength. The light bulb has been turned on for me in an area of my life that has been needing some major improvements and I am joyfully walking forward in His light.

My baggage just got lighter. I never thought I would ever admit this, but minimalistic downsizing suits me ... and I think I like it.

Are you willing to make any light bulb-revealing promises to the Lord as you start the new year off? Allow Him to show you the areas you need some light shed on and be brave enough to ditch the baggage ...trust me, it's quite liberating :)

...Vanessa

hi, my name's vanessa and i'm a blogger

Hello Blog-world. I'm Vanessa. Nice to meet you ... Let's be friends.

... So, I'm starting a blog. Why? I don't know if it's the influence of my obsessive compulsive daily blog reading or the fact that I recently watched Julie & Julia or my secret, hidden desire to be a writer or just the fact that in all the craziness of my day, I like to have an outlet ...I don't know. What I do know is that this past year the Lord has taken my life and all that it is consisted of and dramatically changed and challenged my idea of where I felt like it should go, and I haven't looked back ever since!

My life is crazy, but God is faithful. I'm often times selfish and scattered, but my family and friends are graciously wonderful. I over complicate and over analyze e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g, but I crave simplicity and ease. Daydreaming is an escape, but my reality is beautiful. I don't know what my future holds, but I know who holds my future. I am impatient and pushy, yet I'm learning to relinquish control and trying to improve on that whole, "be still and know" business.

Today is the first day of a brand new year, brand new blog, brand new perspective, brand new excitement and I couldn't be happier to share this moment with you, dear Internet.

I decided that this year I would find and hold on to a "year verse", something I could recite like a mantra in the moments where my perspective and focus become fuzzy. I wanted it to be good, maybe even super spiritual, so I felt like it would somehow magically fix every problem I would face this year. Ha. Right. God, like usual, had another idea ... He decided that this would be a year that I would remind myself that I need to take a step back and hand Him the microphone because this is His production and I am just a cast member :)

Here's what He gave me ...

"The Lord will perfect that which concerns me; Your mercy, O Lord, endures forever; do not forsake the works of Your hands." Psalm 138:8

Thanks for reading ... tell your friends, this is the next best thing, I promise ;) Here's to a blessed and exciting 2010!!

...Vanessa